


What We're Doing Here

by ItsQ



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29400555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsQ/pseuds/ItsQ
Summary: It's a personal story that just so happens to be set in the Bojack Horseman universe.
Relationships: Bojack Horseman/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	What We're Doing Here

I didn't know anyone at the party but Jason insisted I get out of the house. Other than work related requirements and the occasional grocery run I've been at home. It's so much easier avoiding the looks of sympathy from friends and hell even strangers give me once they find out. I hate those looks of pity they are almost worse than the reality I live with day to day. Yes, something very sad happened to me and I still have to wake up each morning and live my life and YES it's hard. It's so fucking hard sometimes I could scream.

I wanted a night of normalcy or at least to pretend everything was normal. Getting out of my house and going to a party of mostly strangers meant I could be anyone. Tonight I could be anyone, I could listen to fun stories of celebrities being ridiculous with each other. I could be my usual wallflower self. I could listen to a handsome stranger talk about themselves and wouldn't have to answer questions about what Ive been doing the last year and change. Or....I could just make an appearance and get a ride home. These are things.

The party was huge, it hadn't occurred to me that a party at someone's house would be so big which is pretty silly considering the party was at a celebrity's house and there's a ton of free booze. That's how up my own ass I've been. That's definitely not normal. Damn. 

I smile politely at no one in particular and move through the packed house, make a b-line for the bottled cider on ice. Snapping the lid off I down half the bottle before looking over the crowd, scanning the faces. Again, I dont know anyone at this party, not personally. Jason is a friend of my husband's-

Was. 

Jason was a friend of my husband's that I just happened to bump into the other week and he invited me out. This party was an excuse to leave the condo, an excuse to leave the place that felt more like a prison the last eight months., but there was a comfort in that prison of grief. I didn't have to explain to anyone why I'm wearing the same clothes for five days in a row or why the dishes are piled up or why I was crying uncontrollably then feeling nothing in the span of 3 minutes. 

Becoming a widow at 31 isn't a good look on anyone. 

I finish my cider and immediately open another one. It warms me right up.

Go easy, I tell myself, you don't want to be the drunk widow crying over her loss to a stranger. 

I take another big mouthful of cider and swallow it down and let my shoulders relax. I see Jason meeting up with the host of the party, Mr Peanutbutter, who greeted him with enthusiasm, the Dog was impossible to be around without his happiness infecting everyone. Jason pointed me out to him and I raised my drink in greeting with a big smile I haven't used in a while but it reached my eyes, thankfully before he came over to talk to me his attention went elsewhere. 

I admire the art and aesthetic of the smart house however being the light weight that I am after my 4th cider I really have to pee. A little wobbly I make my way down the hall and find the bathroom occupied. 

"there;s one upstairssss" a Pelican hiccups at me. 

I manage to find one before I embarrass myself. I pull up my pants in time for the room to spin drastically. I don't feel sick, just silly, I hadn't talked to anyone yet and here I was already breaking the seal meaning I'd have to stay close to a bathroom if I planned on drinking anymore. My husband used to chuckle at me about that, we'd be watching a movie at home and really into it and suddenly i'd I have to get up and pee. The ridiculous memory trigger brought tears to my eyes.

Shit.

I splash some cold water on my face and dry off pulling myself together as best as possible.

I'll get a ride home Cabracadabra sends drivers really quickly and I can sit in the front seat so I won't get carsick. Jason won't care if I leave early, being here at all is a huge step. It doesnt mean anything at all that I drank a few ciders. I shake my head pinching the bridge of my nose feeling myself relax from the pressure. 

I've been really strict with myself since my husband died I don't keep alcohol in my house because I tend to indulge which turns into a guilt-fest anytime drinking becomes a habit. Thanks, substance abuser parents for making me paranoid.

I hear a noise from the room next to the bathroom, puliing me out of my thoughts, and make my exit into the hall way. 

"No! I don't need you to come over I can handle this." 

I hear the voice coming from a cracked open door, the buzz I have has me more rude than usual and I can see through the open door a Horse on the phone having what sounds like a tense conversation from his end. 

"I'm staying in my office until it dies down and then I'll make a brief appearance and have some of the snacks" He sighs, "Thank you for offering, but I'm fine." He hangs up and sets the phone down and immediately, to my horror, makes eye contact with me. "what are you doing here?" He comes to the door and opens it wider staring me down. He doesn't look happy. At. All.  
Bojack Horseman. It's impossible not to recognize him even if you weren't a fan of his tv show. Last year the trial had been the only thing in the news for a long time and not just those celebrity gossip rags. It was on the tv in the oncologist office waiting room, not the greatest distraction while I waited for my husband to finish one of many chemo drip sessions, but I was aware of the tall man before me.  
"I told Mr Peanutbutter to keep people downstairs I don't want to see anyone I-"

"I'm sorry." I blurt out interrupting him, "I had to use the bathroom and the one down there was occupied. I didn't mean to stare at you." I don't owe him an explanation anyway. "There's a lot more people here than I thought there would be."

Bojack snorts. 

"Why are you up here during a party anyway?"

"I'm a year and two months sober I would like to keep it that way."

"That's great." I look down at my feet, this is getting really awkward, but I'm not sure what else to do. The crowd downstairs feels too overwhelming to return to. "Is it all right if I just hang up here for a little bit? I won't bother you. go back to whatever you're doing. I just need to sit down."

Bojack sighs, "Look this isn't a line I swear but if you want some fresh air my bedroom has a balcony attached..."

I accept and the invitation and follow him down the hall. 

\------

"How do you know Mr Peanutbutter?" The Horse asks lighting up a cigarette.

From the balcony the party is a dull roar and the fresh air does wonders for my buzzed anxiety. I sit in the single chair placed near the sliding glass door and Bojack leans against the railing looking down at the cars in the driveway. 

"I don't, personally, I was invited by a friend of my- a friend who thought I should get out of the house and live a little. I guess they know each other from work." I shift a little in the chair and look up at the stars then back down at my feet. 

Say it. If anything it's practice. You'll probably never see this guy again. If you bum him out with the cancer bomb, who cares? 

"I haven't really gotten out much....my husband died about eight months ago and it's just easier to stay in." There. I said it out loud and I didn't start crying. My stomach is in knots and I suddenly feel nauseated but I'm not crying. That's progress, right?

Bojack looks over his shoulder and meets my eyes. 

"Cancer." I say my voice a little shaky. Even though it's such a huge part of my life I know it's a bummer to most people. Cancer makes people squirm no matter the context. The way this conversation is going immediately kills my buzz completely. "Can we change the subject? What about you? I'll be honest I don't really know much about you other than the 90s show and the....stuff last year."  
Wow. Could you be any more of an asshole? 

"Doesn't surprise me that you know Horsin' Around." He remarks, ignoring the rest of my comment to which I am thankful.

"I don't 'know it' know it. I didn't watch it growing up."  
Bojack rolls his eyes, "Oh sure one of those ironic non-watching millennials?"

I chuckle, "Not exactly. My dad and step-mom wouldn't allow my siblings and I to watch it because they believed a single parent home wasn't God's plan."

"You're joking."

The look on his face is priceless and I laugh at the absurdity of my own personal history. "Unfortunately I'm not at all. That's 100% true."

The Horse finishes his cigarette and flicks it off the balcony, "If you're not in a hurry to get back to the party we could watch the first episode," He offers this option with a touch of embarrassment in his voice.

"Okay." 

\-----

The first episode turned into watching the first 5 episodes in the span of 4 hours with Bojack pausing often to share a story from shooting an episode and me requesting pauses so I could get up to pee again. Curse the cider! The show was so campy but it did have heart at the oddest of moments I could see why it lasted as long as it did. Had I been allowed to watch it growing up I probably would have loved Horsin' Around. Watching it now I can appreciate the cynical bent of some episode plots especially watching it with the actor who played the Horse.  
It was nice to hear someone talk normally around me for a change, sure it was mostly about himself he didn't ask much about me which was fine. He didn't bring up the big C word either at least in relation to my husband although he did mention that a former friend who was involved with the show had died from cancer too. He had paused and looked back at me from comfy spot atop his bed, Bojack sat on the floor between the bed and the TV leaning back against it. 

"This is was one of those 'let's have the Horse do this' kind of episodes," he was fast forwarding most of the episode.

I chuckled, "so how did those leather pants come off exactly?" 

"Sabrina suggests lotion and Ethan grabs baby powder by mistake. It took over three hours to clean up the set afterwards."

I tried and failed to hide a yawn while the sped up episode showed clouds of baby powder going everywhere. I checked the time on my phone it was just after 1am and I also had a few texts from Jason trying to find me. I shot off a quick text that I was fine and would find my own way home. The party didn't sound as loud as before, "I should probably see about getting a car to go home." 

I looked up at Bojack, he was moving to stand up from his place on the floor "I could set one up for you since I did kind of steal you from the party."

"That's okay, this was nice," I offered him a smile standing myself and moving my feet trying to get the feeling back in my toes after sitting for a while. "it was.....nice to get out of the house even if it was to watch a show." We both moved for the door and suddenly going back to my empty apartment seemed like the worst idea ever, "Bojack-"  
I don't know why I did it. That's not true. of course I did. I didn't want to be reminded of my own loneliness.

I stepped forward and leaned in to kiss him, my lips grazed his, he returned the kiss hesitantly and I deepened it. 

Bojack pulled away and hummed a flicker of a smile touches his lips then something that looked like sadness came over him, "It's late." 

Oh damn. Did he really just-

"Do you want to get some pizza?"

I felt thankful he was ignoring my behavior, but another part of me felt let down. I wasn't entirely sure if I was let down by him or myself. Suddenly my stomach made it's emptiness known by an embarrassingly loud growl. "That's probably a good idea."


End file.
